Disappointment and broken windscreens
This week I noticed a chip in my windscreen.
At first I thought it was dirt, but after a few days a little crack started to form. As the days went on, it grew in size and started to curve across the screen and I, obviously not knowing anything about vehicles, started to absolutely freak out thinking the whole thing was going to shatter in my face. Around the same time, whilst turning out onto a junction, my window wiper on the driver side flew off into the middle of the road and suddenly I could not see a clear path for the rain and the crack in front of me.
Suddenly my vision was impaired.
What was once so clear and perfect, became dangerous and an obstruction to my journey.
Disappointment can be like this. Sometimes the heaviness and the burden of disappointment can weigh you down and distort how you see your Father in Heaven. Hope is the wiper that pushes tears and disappointment away, but what happens when your hope is lost? What happens when your hope snaps and suddenly what was once so clear is completely out of sight and you struggle to see anything at all? “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” (Proverbs 13:12). Recently, I found myself in that place, through the weight of disappointment my heart became sick. Every breath hurt and I started doubting the goodness of God. I got so angry at myself, at God and at the situations that surrounded my life.
Then the questions started…
Could I even hear God? Was I on the right path? Does He even hear me when I call Him? What was wrong with me? Why is everything so perfect in other peoples lives? Why can’t my path just be easy for once? Why does everything have to be such a battle! I am sick and tired of having to fight through everything God!
Why? WHY! WHY!!!!
The moment I stepped out in faith into full time Manna Cards, all hell broke loose in my life. No stone was left unturned. Everything that could be shaken was shaken to its core and I found myself just standing there in the carnage of it all, stunned and bewildered!
I found myself reading through the book of Job, finding comfort in his questions and his pleas. As I read through the chapters, I smiled at Gods almost sarcastic response “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements—surely you know!” (Job 38:4-5). But you know, sometimes life can be like this! Sometimes we like to question Gods motives and tell Him how we think He should work everything out and He just smiles and says, “Sweetie, you may think you know what you’re talking about but am I not the creator of the Heavens and the earth? Have I not already written the book of your life? Am I not the author of your salvation? I know the end from the beginning, trust me! You may not see the bigger picture right now, but I do!”
And so I surrounded myself with wise counsel and pushed further into His presence. I spent all morning praying and repenting begging Him to realign my heart and mind. I sang and declared this song over my life until It went from my head to my heart. “You are good, good, you are never going to let me down. When the night is holding onto me you are holding on.” I persevered and pushed through until I started to feel my heart thaw again. He started to show me that my hope should never be placed in people, situations or circumstances. Although my eyes were watching the people that I love wholeheartedly walking further into the darkness, lost in their own desires, that my gaze should be focused on His. For in Him, there is no shadow of turning. He never changes and He never lets us down! He is faithful to all His promises!! If we place all our hopes, dreams and desires into His hands, He will nurture and protect them. So I committed everything to the path that was before me and allowed Him to realign and heal my wounded heart.
A few days ago, I found myself down at Donaghadee harbour to look at the lighthouse. As I sat there looking out at the still water in the harbour, I smiled because at the end of the path was a lighthouse, a symbolic beacon of hope. His love is like light shining in the darkness, guiding us home into the safety of His loving arms. The crack was still there on the windscreen but my perspective changed. I stopped being afraid of the battle that surrounded me and instead chose to look past it and see hope again.
Sometimes all we need is a change in perspective. Sometimes we cant see the lighthouse for the crack in our windscreen. Then God brings the right people at the right time to help mend the cracks in our vision, replace our wipers and clear away the grit. Suddenly things start to become a lot clearer, you adjust your vision and hope starts to arise painting the surrounding darkness with light.
God can take your questions, He can take the weight of your disappointment, He will wrestle with you and then pick you up again when you’ve exhausted yourself. If you are kicking His shins and beating His chest, know that you are loved. You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to hide away that struggle, scared of what people might think of you. The pain is real, it’s raw and it hurts. Denying it doesn’t make it disappear. Open your heart, let someone in.
The goodness of God is not dependant on people, it is the very core of who He is. There is no situation you can walk into that God cant turn around for good. When the night is holding onto you remember that God is holding on to you too, HE IS GOOD! He will NEVER let you down! Maybe you need to change your perspective, maybe you need to refine your focus and just maybe you need to place all your hopes in His hands and trust that He is a good and loving Father who has all your days ordained and written before He even breathed you into existence.
Don’t try and get through this on your own strength! Get someone to pray with you, allow someone to stand with you in prayer. Even Moses had to have his arms held up, it’s okay to be tired from the battle, it’s what makes you human and allows God to be glorified as he holds you up in your weakness. Hold on to him, He is with you. He will never let you down. You might not see the bigger picture right now but He does, trust in Him, put your hand in His and let Him guide you as you rest in the knowledge of His goodness and His enduring love.